Samantha Bee: American democracy 'exploding like Mentos in a Diet Coke'

Samantha Bee: ‘How much to rent your hungriest alligators?’

“This week, American democracy exploded like a Mentos in a Diet Coke,” said Samantha Bee on Full Frontal. It’s been two weeks since a whistleblower report on Trump’s phone call with the Ukrainian president, Volodymyr Zelenskiy, prompted Democrats to launch a formal impeachment inquiry. Trump could eventually be impeached for pressuring a foreign leader to investigate his political rival, though Bee could think of better reasons.

She pointed to Tuesday’s report from the New York Times that Trump often privately discussed fortifying a border wall with an alligator and snake-stocked moat, “prompting aides to seek a cost estimate”.

“He wanted the wall electrified, with spikes on top that could pierce human flesh,” the report read. The New York Times also reported that Trump wanted soldiers to shoot migrants and, when informed that was illegal, suggested they shoot migrants in the legs to slow them down.

Trump’s ideas left Bee aghast. “What, and I cannot stress this enough, the fuck,” she said. “I’m not sure what is more disturbing: how elaborate the president’s fantasies of murdering immigrants are or that he got the idea from Melania’s new bedroom design.”

“At this point,” she continued. “I’m surprised Trump’s plan for separating migrant families wasn’t limb by limb.”

Bee zoomed in on a particularly baffling detail: that aides sought a cost estimate for a border moat of snakes and alligators. “How did those calls go?” she wondered, riffing: “Hello, zoo. How much to rent your hungriest alligators and poisoniest snakes? No don’t hang up, I’m calling from the White House!”

Still, the moat report was one of the “least insane things” to happen this week, Bee said, referencing the barrage of impeachment inquiry headlines. “The news is breaking so quickly we can’t keep up with it.

“What’s really scary is not just what Trump did,” Bee said of this news cycle. “It’s how far other Republicans are willing to go for him.” For example, Bill Barr, the attorney general, has reportedly solicited the leaders of Italy and Australia to help investigate the origins of the Mueller investigation. That idea of a scandal behind Mueller “is a fantasy,” Bee emphasized, “but Barr is using the power of the US government to try to make it true.”

Barr is supposed to be an adult in the room, Bee concluded, but is rolling over for Trump. “You are supposed to tell this psychopath child NO,” she said, “not try to arm-twist other countries into making his 4chan wet dream a reality.”

Stephen Colbert: ‘That’s the way your presidency crumbles’

“Donald Trump is clearly losing it, and he did not have a surplus of ‘it’ to start with,” said Stephen Colbert on The Late Show, referring to the president’s increasingly dramatic attacks on the impeachment inquiry. On Wednesday, the president tweeted that the inquiry was a “COUP intended to take away … their Freedoms, their Second Amendment, Religion, Military, Border Wall, and their God-given rights as a Citizen of The United States of America!”

“What does he mean take away your guns and religion?” Colbert asked. “Does he not know that if Trump is removed office, Mike Pence becomes president?”

Trump “continued to froth” in a joint appearance with the president of Finland on Wednesday, where he insisted that “the only thing that matters” is the White House-released transcript of his call with Zelenskiy. “Yes, all that matters is the transcript – the transcript where the president of Ukraine asked for missiles and you say ‘I would like you to do us a favor, though,’” Colbert said. “It’s like a Scooby-Doo villain saying ‘I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for me releasing this signed confession.’”

Nancy Pelosi, meanwhile, continued to approve subpoenas for the House’s impeachment inquiry, “handing them out like cookies”, according to Trump. “Yes, they are like cookies,” Colbert responded, “because that’s the way your presidency crumbles.”

Trevor Noah: ‘The most xenophobic Dr Seuss book ever’

“The past few weeks clearly haven’t been Trump’s favorite,” said Trevor Noah on The Daily Show. “Impeachment is consuming his life. His poll numbers are dipping again.” And on top of that, the New York Times report on his cruel ideas for a border wall have ignited another firestorm of condemnation.

To recap, according to the Times, Trump suggested to aides that a border wall be fortified by a moat stocked with snakes and alligators, “which I know sounds crazy,” said Noah, “but to be fair, it’s been very effective at keeping him out of Melania’s bedroom”.

“That’s probably where he got the idea,” he continued. “I mean it’s either that or his top immigration adviser is an actual reptile.”

Some people might hear this news and think the president is joking about the animals, said Noah, “but it doesn’t seem like that”. The idea was real enough that his aides sought a cost estimate. “They actually got a quote for the moat,” Noah mused, “which also sounds like the name of the most xenophobic Dr Seuss book ever.”