England v South Africa: third Test, day one – as it happened

The umpires have given up the ghost and announced the close of an excellent if truncated day’s play, in which the admirable, oldfangled virtues of Alastair Cook and Vernon Philander stood out. Cook’s respectful unbeaten 82 means England have emerged relatively unscathed from what could have been a very messy day, and sets the match up beautifully. Thanks for your company. This thing of ours resumes at 11am tomorrow. See you then.

“I think we do well in England for top-order batters who are experienced and skilled against the moving ball, and that in the unfairly maligned county game they face skilled new-ball bowlers,” says Tim Sanders. “But Test cricket will, as it always has done, require the players who have that fraction of a second extra to see, decide and either play or leave the ball. My hypothesis is that the shift of the county championship season to earlier in April, and later in September, has given us a greater contrast than before in the type and pace of pitch. It can’t be easy facing Jimmy Anderson, Kyle Abbott, Ryan Sidebottom and the rest early in April, but maybe there’s a little more time to watch the ball and an edge is less likely to carry. The margins are terribly fine, and opening bats seem to be found out at Test level by how early in their innings they get their feet working properly, and how much they push at the ball rather than let it come to them. Adam Lyth a case in point – if I had a cover drive as good as his, I’d nick off quite often.”

“A nice email from Nath Jones re Tom Maynard,” says Drew Goldie. “His dad Matt was an exceptional player, but like quite a few real talents back then was thrown in against the rampant West Indies and at the Oval on his debut (1988) went for 3 and 10. So some kind of serendipitous pleasure for Maynard senior.”

And then he had to wait five years for his second Test. Some of the England selections in the 1980s in particular beggar belief. For example, look at this scorecard and consider the contributions of Graeme Fowler (201 in the first innings) and Neil Foster (11 wickets) to a famous series victory in India. Both played one more Test before being dropped at the start of the following summer.

The weather has improved, and the umpires are having a chat with the groundsman. We might get some play after all.

It’s lashing down at the Oval, and I suspect that will be it for the day. In theory play can resume as late as 7pm. It does not, however, look likely.

The Sopranos XI

David Hopkins: “I’d like Furio Giunta in to toughen up the middle order. The look in his eye as he prepared to sort our Artie Bucco’s bad debtor was Steve Waugh-esque.”

John Starbuck: “I’d go for Christopher as wicketkeeper: paradoxically, too nervous not to do a good job. Dr Melfi as specialist coach. Tony himself would play like Brian Close.”

Imagine Chrissy doing his high-speed huff stomp after getting a dodgy LBW.

“My favourite Oval memory is a county T20 game - Surrey v Glamorgan in 2010,” says Nath Jones. “As a Welshman in exile in south London I was excited to watch Matthew Maynard’s son Tom live for the first time. Having spent most of the Surrey innings boring my friends with many stories of watching Matt (my favourite player) while I was growing up, I was delighted to watch Tom’s outstanding, man-of-the-match winning 78* off 43 balls, a memory which sadly became a lot more poignant a couple of years later.”

“I was at The Oval in 1948, 14 years old, when I saw Don Bradman’s last innings,” says Norman Putnam. “Bowled by Eric Hollies second ball. There was a standing ovation for him when he left the pavilion,and we had barely sat down when we all stood again for his return. It says something about the game of cricket that the spectators could show such respect and admiration for an opponent.”

Amen to that. Am I right in thinking that nobody knew/cared about his average at the time, that the shock was purely in seeing him bowled for a duck in his final Test?

More emails

“How about Hesh as an umpire, but one of those non-neutral umpires from the 80s,” says Robert Razzell. “You know you’d got your man plumb LB, but a little smile and a shake of the head from Hesh and you know he’s in the batsman’s pocket.”

“Call me foolish, but we should declare,” says Ian Copestake. “Our bowlers are far superior to our batters and could these boys out for 60 in these conditions. You know I’m right.”

You’ve been taking the DeLorean back to 1950 again, haven’t you?

Bad light, rain, whatever. That might be it for the day. England will be much the happier to get off the field. Cook and Stokes were very good in that mini-session.

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59th over: England 171-4 (Cook 82, Stokes 21) Cook works Morkel for two to bring up a determined fifty partnership. His innings has been immaculately judged, as has Stokes’s with a couple of exceptions. You can tell he is aching to respect Test cricket, but just every now and then instinct kicks in. In other news, I think it’s about to rain again.

“I’d love to see Silvio Dante as vice-captain,” says Sean Clayton, “both for his stand-in team talks and also to see what a batting helmet would do to his barnet/syrup...”

Imagine him as stand-in captain, having a complete asthma meltdown during his interview at the toss.

58th over: England 168-4 (Cook 80, Stokes 20) Stokes is beaten by another laughably extravagant leg-cutter from Philander. He leans on his bat, smiling, knowing that sometimes you eat the bear, and sometime the bear eats you. He plays and missed at the next delivery, too. It’s majestic bowling from Philander, and the last ball of the over is about to wobble onto the pad when Stokes gets a vital inside-edge to the leg side. He would have been plumb LBW without it.

“A little out of date,” says Tom Bowtell, “but some gnarly analysis of gaps between FC/Test averages here. Who did SS Sugwekar insult to never get a Test call-up with an average of 65?”

57th over: England 167-4 (Cook 80, Stokes 19) The proper, patient Test batsman inside Ben Stokes is currently having a blazing row with the batsman that slaughtered a 163-ball double hundred off South Africa 18 months ago. There are no such conversations going on in Alastair Cook’s subconscious. He waits for a short ball on the hip from Morkel and tucks it fine for four. Morkel is trying a bit too hard to make something happen and serves up a wide half-volley that Cook squeezes for four more. This has been a masterclass in how to bat on day one in favourable bowling conditions.

“I’ve been thinking again about who else to include in the Sopranos XI and of course one name stands out,” says Kevin Ryan. “Tony Soprano himself and obviously as the captain. I’d be tempted to include Ralphie Cifaretto as well purely because the rest of the side would see how Tony deals with transgressors. I couldn’t see Tony having any problems with players waving bats outside the off stump, sloppy misfielding in the covers or bowling woeful full tosses and long hops after them seeing how Ralfie ended up....Anyone here got a bowling bag?”

56th over: England 158-4 (Cook 72, Stokes 18) Stokes flashes seriously hard at Philander, edging high over the slips for four. It was a loose stroke but played with such force as to reduce the risk. Philander corrects him with a storming legcutter that beats Stokes all ends up.

“Damp and Dangerous, I think I saw them at the Dublin Castle in 1998,” sniffs Guy Hornsby. “£2 in, with a Student Card. Always “thought their best record was ‘Is It Cowardly To Pray For Rain?’ Supported admirably by Uphill And Into The Wind. They were the band the Bluetones could’ve been.”

I didn’t care for the disco-funk direction of the third album, Kolpak.

55th over: England 152-4 (Cook 72, Stokes 13) Morkel isn’t quite as accurate or probing as Philander, at least not yet. Cook is playing only when necessary, an obvious approach in these circumstances but one that is beyond many. Nothing of note happens until Cook is beaten by a monstrous final delivery that snaps viciously off the seam. This has been an admirable innings from Cook - not just on its own terms, but because of what may well have happened to England had he gone cheaply. South Africa would possibly be batting now.

“There is young talent out there; Dan Lawrence, Joe Clarke, Liam Livingstone, Al Davies and obviously Haseeb Hameed,” says Tom Bright. “Is it too early for some of these guys? Or should England have gone with potential rather than looking for a ‘solid county pro’ as a stopgap?!”

I don’t see enough county cricket to know either way. They haven’t picked Westley or Malan as stopgaps, though. Hameed’s form certainly complicated matters; at the start of the summer I’m sure they had him and Cook pencilled in as the opening pair for the next five years.

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54th over: England 152-4 (Cook 72, Stokes 13) Philander resumes at the other end. These are almost bespoke conditions for him, with everything needed for the ball to nibble around. Stokes inside-edges a hard-handed push into the leg side for a couple, prompting Philander to throw his hands to his head. He’s batting outside his crease to Vern, trying to get as far forward as possible in defence to negate any movement, but it isn’t doing much good at the moment. Later in the over Philander slips one between bat and pad as Stokes tries to defend. This is a master craftsman at work.

“I remember how devastating Moles could be,” says Philip Bryden. “One recalls an occasion, in the early ‘90s I think it must have been, watching him at the crease for three weeks without interruption. The remainder of the team, the opposition and all the spectators bar myself had surrendered after close of play on the fifth day.”

53rd over: England 150-4 (Cook 72, Stokes 11) This is a big session. South Africa know they can do some significant, maybe even series-winning damage. The lights are on, so there might be some additional movement. If ever there was a time for England to respect Test cricket and dig in, it’s now. Stokes does the exact opposite, launching into a pull off Morkel that he bottom-edges on the bounce to de Kock. In his defence, the shot was on; it’s the drive that carries the most risk.

“Enjoying the chat about batsmen with averages who should be picked for England,” says Mike Duggan. “But why has Toby Roland-Jones, who is averaging 35 this season, been picked ahead of the Overton brothers (25-26) or Ben Coad (18.7)?”

It’s the Next Cab Off The Rank principle. They rate him, he’s been around the squad for 18 months or so, and a few weeks of modest form doesn’t change that. Nor should it really. Picking in-form randomers was one of the biggest problems in the 1980s and 1990s.

Play is about to resume. We can go until 7.30pm, with 31 overs to be bowled. Harumph. I was planning to watch the James Bond marathon on TNT the darts.

“Greetings Rob,” says Roger Martin. “I reckon Livia Soprano. Paranoid, manipulative and possessing an encyclopaedic memory of every slight she ever suffered: she’d be a great fast bowler. On the weather, I reckon Root is regretting batting first. The weather looks set fair for the next four days. England all out for 200, South Africa 500 for 3 by Saturday.”

What is this, 2012? But yes, it was a decent toss to lose, as it often is at the Oval actually.

As for Livia, that’s a great shout. Imagine her nagging an umpire into giving a dodgy LBW just to get some peace.

Damp and dangerous “Any explanation as to the excessive delay from umpire inspection at 4:45 to restarting play at 5:30?” says Phil Williams. “I’m at the Oval and we’ve missed out on 30 mins of glorious sunshine, while there’s clearly a large body of ominous clouds moving in. I’m at a loss as to why the players weren’t back on by 5:10 at the absolute latest.”

I haven’t heard anything. I assume the run-ups/outfield were damp and dangerous. (Coincidentally, Damp and Dangerous was the name of my student band.)

“Surely,” says Patrick McGinley, “the refutation of the averages argument is contained in the words ‘Graeme Hick’?”

Oh, Patrick. You’ve done it now.

Play will resume at 530, with 31 overs to be bowled. I’m going to take a break, enjoy a bit of the old me time, and will be back for the resumption.

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“Hi Rob,” says Derek Fordham. ““When I was a student in Southampton in the 1980s I was baffled by the fact that Trevor Jesty wasn’t getting in the England team at the time despite being the top English player in both the batting and bowling averages at the time,” says Derek Fordham. “My housemate, who is now a Daily Star “journalist”, managed to get an interview with him and asked him about this. He said that he “didn’t have enough middle initials to get picked for England”.”

Haha. On that note, I was convinced England would win the Ashes in 1994-95 if they put Kevin Curran, future father of Tom and Sam, at No6.

More emails

Mark Brecht “’If there was a top-order batsmen with a high average they’d have picked him by now, surely?’ said David Hopkins. I guess the exception to that rule is James Hildreth, who at 32 years of age has amassed 40 first-class centuries whilst averaging a shade under 44, without much of a sniff at all from the selectors. The one that got away…?

Andrew Benton “Email bounty? There’s a dearth of distracting “other” sports being MBM’d at the mo. No Tour de France, Golf, F1, Wimbledon, nothing..... But lo, there is a ship on the horizon. A Premiership - and that’s as dull as an overcast day in Ditherington on Sea. Sou’westers on folks....”

Nick Cullen “If we’re not picking on first-class averages, shouldn’t we just bring in Buttler and Morgan? This would free Bairstow from the gloves and allow him to be the buccaneering number five he truly is. Frankly, he’s too good to bat at seven, especially when Root is having to play all these Lara-esque lone hands.”

Yeah, that’s a tricky one because Bairstow has quite aggressively defended his right to keep - and he has become a bloody good keeper. I would tell him he either bats at No7 and keeps, or in the top five and doesn’t; leave it up to him.

It looks brighter at the Oval, though there’s still no suggestion of a resumption.

“Enjoyed your little quote re The Bing,” says Kevin Ryan. “ Got me thinking: could we draft any of the Sopranos characters into the current England side. My money would be on Paulie Walnuts - a survivor when all around were dropping like flies. What do you/your followers think?”

My followers! My people! Anyway, yes, Pussy Bonpinsiero would be a lusty middle-order hitter, and Richie Aprile’s would be very strong on the drive, especially against Beansy.

Play was due to resume six minutes ago. It hasn’t, but the groundstaff are earning their keep and the covers will hopefully come off soon.

Some more emails while we wait for the rain to stop

“You asked for Oval memories,” says Laurence Milner. “In 1976 my family moved from Johannesburg to London. Prior to that my cricket watching was restricted to domestic Curry Cup in isolation South Africa. A few weeks after we arrived, my brother and I went to watch the West Indies play England at the Oval – my first ever test cricket experience. We got to see Viv Richards make a double century that day – I remember Greenwich got out early in the day bringing Richards to the crease. The rest is history….. You cannot top that as a first Test-watching experience.”

“Can’t help feeling I’ve been set up to hook at this one and there’s a man in the deep,” says Andy Bridge. “But if no one else has yet piled in … if punkt is point then silly point has to be Daft Punkt.”

“Isn’t the truth around the debate regarding selection of batsmen with moderate county averages simply that the selectors have no choice?” says David Hopkins. “They’ve tried most of those with high averages (Lyth/Ballance), most of whom have been found out at the highest level and ditched to a chorus of derision. If there was a top-order batsmen with a high average they’d have picked him by now, surely?”

Here’s Tom Bowtell. “Next to the batsman-averaging-over-40 column in Playfair, they had a bowling-average-under-30-with-more-than-100-wickets column and I remember being astonished/delighted that Mike Gatting somehow snuck onto it. (Peter Bowler - 45 FC hundreds and average of 40.5 was my Andy Moles.)”

Oh my goodness, think I’ve just had a Proustian rush and a statgasm at the same time. Never again will the satisfactions of everyday life be enough.

May I have your attention please

“My so called ‘friends’ have let me down tomorrow, so I now have three spare tickets for the Lock Laker stand tomorrow (Friday),” says Simon Thomas. “If any OBO reader wants them, and cares to make a suitable donation to Dan Lucas’ fund, then they can have them for nowt (as opposed to the £85 face value). I’m still going so they may have to sit next to me but I promise to stand my round.”

If you’re interested, send me an email with the subject ‘Simon Thomas’ and I’ll forward it on to him. Thanks!

Teatime chit-chat (aka why are there so many emails today?)

“An appropriate German expression for cricket is Salamitaktik,” says Mike Swan, “a way of achieving large goals through many small steps.”

“The only problem with Root,” says Dave Brown, “is that we are so used to him scoring big runs we assume there is a major problem when he’s batting like a mere mortal.”

Ha, that’s so true. His Test average is in serious danger of falling into the low fifties…

52nd over: England 148-4 (Cook 72, Stokes 10) Rabada bowls the last over before tea - and it might be a long tea break, because the clouds are approaching with malevolent intent. Stokes, who has respected the Bing Test cricket thus far, pulls carefully for a couple. And that’s it. As the players leave the field, the rain begins. See you in a bit for the evening session.

“Before his first call up, wasn’t Trescothick’s first class average pretty unspectacular, similar to Vaughan?” asks David Wall. Yeah, Fletcher was keen to get him in from the moment he marmalised Jacques Kallis on a dodgy pitch against Glamorgan in 1999. There are other players who were rightly picked because of weight of runs, like Adam Voges or Jonny Bairstow when he was recalled in 2015.

51st over: England 146-4 (Cook 72, Stokes 8) It’s a bowling day, which means it’s also an Alastair Cook day. He lives for challenges like this, when you have the change to make tough, worthy runs and then savour the feeling of virtuous tiredness. He moves into the seventies with a fine push-drive through mid-on for four off Morris. If he does get a 31st Test ton today - if, if, if - it’ll one of his better ones.

50th over: England 140-4 (Cook 67, Stokes 7) We’ll have two or three more overs before tea. It would thus be a very, very, very, very, very bad time to lose a wicket. Stokes takes a dodgy third to deep midwicket and is only just home when the stumps are broken. It went upstairs, and for a second it seemed the bat might have bounced up when he dived in the crease. He was okay.

“The player that this Bayliss bravado has affected the most is Joe Root,” says Sachin Paul. “Nowadays, when he has to knuckle down (like after that over against Morkel), he can’t seem to get his concentration on. Just flashes at stuff too much. You could argue the ball that got him was a peach but with the amount of throwing around of his bat that he was doing, he’d have been out soon regardless. I hope he calms down and starts playing like Pujara or Amla.”

I don’t agree with that. Root’s change took place in the spring of 2014, before Bayliss. Some of the ridicule towards Bayliss lately (not referring to this email) has been out of order.

49th over: England 136-4 (Cook 66, Stokes 4) “Michael Vaughan was a great captain, but ‘only’ a good Test batsman,” says Mark Gillespie. “ His overall Test average is 41, and he’s rated as though he’s better than that because of one miraculous year, 2002, and the assumption that he never reached those heights again because of the weight of the captaincy. The evidence actually suggests that single year (but what a year!) was the aberration.

“The assumption that you can and should look beyond first class averages for Test players is correct, but only if you’ve actively identified something e.g. in character, that makes you think they can make the step up. It doesn’t follow that averages are meaningless and you can ignore them in the absence of other reasons to pick someone.”

Yes, totally agree with the second paragraph, if not the first. I think Vaughan would have averaged high 40s had he stayed as a batsman. But then England wouldn’t have won the Ashes in 2005, so it was a worthwhile if bittersweet trade. With the possible exception of Ian Bell in 2013, I’ve never seen batting as good as Vaughan’s by an Englishman across a whole Test series. But more to the point (I think this was the original point), his first-class average was rubbish when they picked him, but Duncan Fletcher fast-tracked him into the Test team after seeing him in the nets.

48th over: England 135-4 (Cook 66, Stokes 3) Cook push-drives Rabada confidently through extra cover for three. That allows Rabada to bowl to his BEF Stokes, who plays a couple of nice drives for one. There has been a lovely intensity to today’s cricket, the sort you only get when you have a serious bowling attack.

“What a strange mistress Test cricket is, Rob,” says Guy Hornsby, his hand moving inexorably towards his chin. “Cook, swathed in talk of a career exit in the winter, now one of only two sure things we have in this series alongside his captain. It’s staggering to think the amount of players that have come along the conveyor belt in the last two years – Vince, Hameed, Jennings, Balance, Malan, Westley, Robson and Lyth – some of whom we’ll never see again, and some I desperately hope we do for the next decade, whatever their average. But there he is, quietly accumulating, cutting and pushing off his pads, from dawn til dusk, like a cricket Olmec head. You imagine he’ll still be there in a few years from now, his average in the 40s. As a batsman, we’re lucky to have had him.”

And as a man. In his batting and his character, he’s a gift from the past.

47th over: England 127-4 (Cook 62, Stokes 1) Morris replaces Philander. The five-man attack allows him to take on the nasty-piece-of-work role, which he did brilliantly at Trent Bridge. He bounced Cook out in that game and is clearly intent on doing the same again. Cook takes on the short ball, first pulling on the bounce to square leg and then pulling to long leg for a single.

“All England need,” says Andrew Benton, “are eleven Moeen Alis.”

Ha. I think I’m the only person in England who would have no Moeen Alis.

46th over: England 125-4 (Cook 59, Stokes 0) Rabada hasn’t bowled that well on this tour, but that delivery was a reminder of how devastating he can be. He will, all things being equal, break every South African bowling record in the book. All England can do at the moment is hang in there and wait for anything resembling a bad ball. Cook does just that, rifling the last delivery square on the off side for four. He is starting to settle into his new role, and when he does he is going to score millions of runs.

“Agree that they all did, but only by a run or two,” says Tony Rowlinson of our peedie discussion about averages and selection. “They all also had above 40 averages in first-class cricket and debuted before the age of 27, something not shared by Westley or Malan. If they improve by the same amount they will average at 40 and 39 which is good but not what you are after in your top six.”

What about Alec Stewart? Or Adam Gilchrist? Or all those Aussies like Hayden and Martyn who failed in their early 20s and came back in their late 20s to score an obscene number of Test runs? What about Adam Voges, who started in his 30s and became Don Bradman for a year. Don’t get me wrong, I have no idea whether Westley or Malan are good enough but I think it’s wrong to limit selection because of data.

45th over: England 121-4 (Cook 55, Stokes 0) This is one of the better five-man attacks to have toured England, with a lot of variety and no real respite for the batsmen. Philander starts to toy with the new batsman Stokes, who defends confidently. Philander’s figures are 9-5-8-2, the kind Curtly Ambrose used to make.

“Agree that they all did, but only by a run or two,” says Tony Rowlinson of our peedie discussion about averages and selection. “They all also had above 40 averages in first-class cricket and debuted before the age of 27, something not shared by Westley or Malan. If they improve by the same amount they will average at 40 and 39 which is good but not what you are after in your top six.”

What about Alec Stewart? Or Adam Gilchrist? Or all those Aussies like Hayden and Martyn who failed in their early 20s and came back in their late 20s to score an obscene number of Test runs? What about Adam Voges, who started in his 30s and became Don Bradman for a year. Don’t get me wrong, I have no idea whether Westley or Malan are good enough but I think it’s wrong to limit selection because of data.

Read this, now. We know where you live.

44th over: England 120-4 (Cook 54, Stokes 0) Ben Stokes is the new batsman, so Jonny Bairstow has been pushed down to No7. That’s interesting.

“As someone whose wider knowledge of cricket came from the Playfair Cricket Annuals of the 1990s, I shared your outrage at how Moles, A. J. was continuously overlooked,” says Kieran Booluck. “For the same reason, and despite never having seen him face a single ball, I became convinced Vinod Kambli was the greatest batsman in the world.”

That’s exactly where I got it from with Moles. They had a little list of the England-qualified batsmen with the highest first-class averages, and he was always in it. Yet they never picked him. At one point I was dangerously close to sending a strongly worded fax to Lord’s.

This is as good as it gets. Malan is knocked over in more ways than one by a glorious inswinging yorker by Rabada. He ended up on all fours, with the stumps splayed left and right. That was absolutely devastating.

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43rd over: England 118-3 (Cook 53, Malan 0) A few technical problems here; apologies. The last over from Philander was an excellent and eventful one: he beat Cook twice outside off stump, but Cook managed to force a cut for four to bring up a Cookish half-century from 129 balls.

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42nd over: England 114-3 (Cook 49, Malan 0) Rabada replaces Maharaj and curves his first ball back into Malan, prompting another unsuccessful shout for LBW. Height was again the problem. These are fraught moments for England and especially Malan, who is still on nought after 14 deliveries and has Rabada hooping the ball back into him. The last ball of the over swings right over the top of the off stump. It was, in fairness to Malan, a good leave on length.

“I noticed that there’s a Test match on at the moment between Sri Lanka and India, as well as England and South Africa,” says David Mills. “Have three test matches ever been in progress at the same time? I guess there have never been four!”

I’m not absolutely certain as I was distracted by a Twin Peaks marathon at the time, but I think there were four early in 2001: Australia in India, Pakistan in New Zealand, England in Sri Lanka and South Africa in the West Indies.

41st over: England 114-3 (Cook 49, Malan 0) As we pointed out in the previous Test, Vernon Philander’s bowling average (now 21.97) is the lowest of any current bowler. He is a brilliant bowler, a forensic interrogator of improper techniques in the mould of Glenn McGrath.

This is only his seventh over of the day, because of stomach trouble - and now he has a huge shout for LBW against Alastair Cook. Joel Wilson thinks for a long time and then says no. Faf du Plessis indicates that he thinks it was going over; Hawkeye confirms that it was. du Plessis is very good with DRS - not just in his judgement, especially of height, but also his calmness.

Cook ends a difficult over by reaching for a wide delivery and edging it not far shot of the diving Kuhn at gully. A maiden for Philander, who now has figures of 7-5-3-2.

40th over: England 114-3 (Cook 49, Malan 0) Play resumes under sunny skies. Tea will be at 4.10pm. Malan tries to charge Maharaj and almost runs past the ball. It hit him on the pad, prompting an almost affronted LBW appeal from Maharaj. It was close but he was a long way down and, more importantly, outside the line.

“Localised showers at the Oval today...” says Garrett. Photo of myself, my sister and my dad says it all...”

I can’t upload the pic - it’s a long story - but Garrett and his sister (and everyone around them) look like they are having a day at the beach, while their dad is shivering under a drenched plastic mac.

On that note: I don’t know why, and I wish it wouldn’t happen, but every time I see a plastic mac, Pulp’s This Is Hardcore starts playing in my head.

Play will restart at 3.15pm.

“Hard to argue with Stephen Russell (39th over),” says Tony Rowlinson, “but it’s never stopped me before. Agree that he added five runs on his average, but he’s the exception that proves the rule. There are very few guys in the last 15 years at least who have significantly improved on their first class average and when you’re looking for 3 new batsmen, it’s surely better to play the probabilities than hope to hit 1 in a million?”

I’m not sure he is the exception: Gower, Smith, Trescothick, Root and many others have higher averages in Tests than in first-class cricket. The expert eye will always be more valuable than data.

This is an excellent spot

“I don’t believe England’s problem lies with a lack of batting talent, more so a deliberate focus on the shorter formats of the game,” says Oliver Mcpheely. “We don’t have enough guys that are willing and able to occupy the crease for prolonged periods of time. It makes you wonder: what hope do we have in Australia for the Ashes later this year?”

None. You’re welcome! If England lose the first Test, and most of Australia’s fast bowlers stay fit, there’s a good chance it’ll be 5-0. I do think England will be fine in the medium-term, once Haseeb Hameed and Mason Crane are established and they move away from deluxe bits-and-pieces players. And they are still good enough to win this series.

Ach, another interruption. It doesn’t seem too bad, so it’ll hopefully just be a 20-minute break in play.

39th over: England 113-3 (Cook 48, Malan 0) Dawid Malan is the new batsman. He is left-handed; he is facing Vernon Philander. Good luck! He survives his first four deliveries, playing at as little as possible. Philander has majestic figures of 6-4-3-2.

Here’s Stephen Russell. “A two-word answer for Tony Rowlinson (34^th over): Michael Vaughan.”

Yes, exactly. You have to look beyond averages. When I was a kid, and looked only at averages, I was outraged – outraged I tell you – that England never picked Andy Moles.