One of the most beloved comedians who died too soon is Patrice O'Neal, who passed away at the age of 41 in 2011 due to a stroke caused by his Type 2 diabetes. He never shied away from joking about his disease, as well as many other topics that several in his field would not dare touch.
However, O'Neal's mastery of the art turned his brazen philosophies in comedic gold, making the loss of his brilliant talent all the more heartbreaking. Celebrate his criminally short life and career by reliving some of the funniest things he has ever said.
"How Many Thought Patrice O'Neal Was A Lovely White [Irish] Girl?"
Patrice O'Neal had a great sense of humor about himself, including his unlikely name. He acknowledged this when appearing opposite late night talk show host Jimmy Fallon on Late Night in 2011, and asked the audience how many of them knew who he was before he walked out on stage.
"Cheating Is For You"
In O'Neal's first and only feature-length special, Elephant in the Room (one of the best stand-up comedy specials on Paramount+), he voices a few surprising opinions about romance. For instance, in this bit, he explains that adultery is a way for men to have a good time living out their fantasies with other women, but without letting their significant other know in an effort to keep from hurting her feelings.
"I'm Lactose Intolerant, But If I Eat These Cookies, I Gotta Have Some Milk"
In 2002, the comedian released a half-hour special called Patrice O'Neal Live, in which he discusses his struggles with diabetes. Despite the illness, he would still have trouble abstaining from desserts, such as white chocolate-covered Oreos. He even admits that he has considered putting his health in further danger by drinking milk with the cookies.
"I Believe People Are Guilty Or Innocent Based On The Fact Of Whether I Think They Are Or Not"
His 2005 episode of HBO's One Night Stand (available with a Max subscription) is one of the more potent examples of his risqué brand of humor. At one point, he argues for the innocence of certain high-profile figures put on trial based on his own opinion, believing he does not need evidence or a jury decision, but just a feeling about the case that informs his personal verdict.
"You're Not Supposed To Be Able To Turn Your Draws Backwards And They Fit Better"
O'Neal had no trouble poking fun at his weight and did so when he appeared on Late Night with Conan O'Brien in 1997. This quote is his way of explaining why he believes that the worst form of obesity is when what appears to be a second rear end forms under your stomach.
"If I Had To Spell 'Restaurant' To Save My Mother's Life..."
In a bit from Elephant in the Room, the comedian explained how difficult it would be for him to spell certain words. He then imagines a scenario in which his own mother's life relies on whether or not he can spell "restaurant."
"All White Guys Used To Play In The NBA... Look How Far We've Come As A People Where Nobody Wants To Watch 10 White Dudes Play Basketball."
During a 1998 appearance on Late Night with Conan O'Brien, he illustrated the progress Black people have made by reminding the crowd that the NBA was initially dominated by white athletes.
"He Proved That Nobody Can Keep A Sheen Down. They Can Keep An Estevez Down... And He's The Good One"
Despite the controversial behavior that led to Charlie Sheen getting fired from Two and a Half Men, his polarizing ramblings actually earned the respect of Patrice O'Neal. The comic expressed this during Comedy Central's hilarious celebrity roast of the actor in a bit that also gives his older brother, Emilio Estevez, a bit of a hard time.
"I Named It That Because I'm Fat"
He made his first and last appearance on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon to promote his special, Elephant in the Room, which he explains has a double-meaning referring to his weight and his boldness to say what others may not dare to say out loud. He goes on to say that, had he been a "regular-size person" and given the special that same title, it would have seemed like a corny, self-congratulatory thing.
"I Think I Could Kill A Fish Because Fish Don't Have Eyelids... So, They Don't Have No Sad Face"
Based on this bit, the star seems to have had no interest in hunting. However, it looks like he could have gotten behind fishing because of the blank stare the fish would give him at their time of death.
"Court Stenographer? You Know, That Don't Make Me Feel Comfortable"
Patrice O'Neal once performed a show at a famous New York comedy club called Caroline's that was made to be inclusive for non-hearing audiences by featuring an American Sign Language translator and a man typing the comedians' set to be displayed on a digital marquee above the stage. Early on in his set, he mentions how the "stenographer's" presence makes him feel like he is being put on trial.
"I'm A Closet Beatles Fan"
Patrice O'Neal had a bit about Black people needing to "act cool" on a constant basis, which means concealing certain information about themselves. He then explains that he keeps his love of The Beatles quiet because he would not be able to set the right, cool vibe while driving through Harlem and blaring "Yellow Submarine" through his speakers.
"We Call Our Champions 'World Champions,' But We Don't Play Nobody Else"
O'Neal commented on America's arrogance by listing multiples reasons to back up the claim. One of the funniest points out how U.S. athletic teams give themselves titles that declare them global winners, even when their competition was domestic.
"I'll Step Over A Dying [Person] To Get To A Kitten With A Hurt Paw"
As one could likely guess from the nature of some of his material, Patrice O'Neal had a bit of a cynical view on the human race. He even went as far to say that he prefers animals, which I don't think too many people would fault him for.
"The Idea Of Comedy, Really, Is Not Everybody Should Be Laughing. It Should Be About 50 People Laughing And 50 People Horrified"
He summed up his approach to stand-up comedy beautifully while appearing on the Showtime talk show, The Green Room with Paul Provenza, along with guests Bob Saget, Roseanne Barr, and Sandra Bernhard. He makes a convincing argument for why getting the whole audience on the same page with the comic is not as ideal as dividing them and making the conversation surrounding the jokes even more interesting.
"I Would Love To Hear On The News, 'Six Tractors Were Hijacked Today...'"
Did you ever notice how, especially in the best action movies, the worst crimes and terrorist attacks take place in New York City? Well, Patrice O'Neal certainly noticed and thought it would be interesting to see a violent situation take place in a more rural state like Nebraska.
"That's Why I Always Keep An Alibi. I Collect Receipts... I Never Go More Than A Half An Hour Without Buying Something"
One of O'Neal's most signature bits sees him explain how, due to his fear of being accused of a crime he did not commit, he would constantly buy items and collect the receipts so there would be a paper trail of his whereabouts. On occasions when there would not be a receipt available, he would purposefully get in an argument with the clerk to make a lasting impression and make note of the time he was there in the conversation before leaving.
"Now I Have To Lose Weight To Stay Alive... And That's Not Enough Motivation For Me"
Even with a life-threatening condition like diabetes, the funny man said he could barely bring himself to make the changes necessary to prolong his life. Obviously, he said this in jest, but the bit takes on a darker tone in retrospect.
"I'm So Arrogant, When I Travel To Other Countries, I Refer To People In Their Own County As Foreigners"
Patrice O'Neal doubles down on this bit by adding, "I act like they're visiting me." He then refers to a time he complained about the spaghetti he had in Italy.
"Can You Type A Middle Finger At Him?”
When performing at a comedy show to benefit the non-hearing community at Caroline's on Broadway, Patrice O'Neal asked the stenographer typing out his set on a digital marquee above the stage to create an insulting gesture for an audience member on his behalf.
"I'd Rather You Be Dead Than To Break Your Heart"
Patrice O'Neal has a bit from Elephant in the Room in which he reveals that men fantasize about killing their significant others as a method of catharsis. He further explains that he would rather see his lover dead than to see her cry over something that was his fault.
"I Learned Karate From All The Different Ways I Would Flush Public Toilets Cause I Didn't Wanna Touch [Them]"
In this bit, O'Neal demonstrates how he would try to carefully flush a public toilet in a way that resembles a martial arts technique, including a chop or a kick. I imagine there are many people who can relate to this and might feel that they could call themselves a black belt by that logic.
"People Don't Understand How Courageous You Have To Be To Be A Black Tuba Player"
When appearing on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon in February 2011, O'Neal pointed out that the show's house band, The Roots, features a Black tuba player named Damon Bryson, who also goes by Tuba Gooding Jr. According to the comic, this is very rare sight.
"It's Hard For Us To Love You And Like You At The Same Time... Once A Man Loves You, He No Longer Likes You, Usually"
While performing at the Just For Laughs Festival in 2008, he delivered some tough love about love itself. In his experience, at the start of a relationship, the man genuinely likes the woman he is with. However, when he begins to fall for her, he cannot quite like her the same way ever again.
"Officer, My Wife Is– Am I Calling Too Early?"
For his One Night Stand episode, Patrice O'Neal explains that a non-guilty man would not be as devastated over his missing wife as the dishonest Mark Hacking appeared to be before confessing to her murder (via NBC News). Instead, he would call 911 after three days – the first of which he would wonder if she was cheating; the second of which he would consider calling, but would be afraid they might assume he was guilty; and on the third, he might call but would wonder if it was too early.
"Jeff Ross Is A Legend. His Funniness Is A Legend, But When I Say 'Legend,' I Mean A Myth"
At any celebrity roast, it is customary to throw in some jokes at the expense of the fellow roasters. At The Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen, Patrice O'Neal brought the most heat to the dais and one of his most clever insults was directed toward the Roastmaster General himself, Jeff Ross.
"All I See Is Her Head. How Long Does That Take To Kick Off The Track? Let's Go!"
O'Neal had a bit in which he openly admitted to occasionally being a bit of a jerk and offered a pretty morbid example. His commuter train's route was delayed thirty minutes because the train accidentally struck and killed a woman, which initially had him shocked before wondering why it would take that long before the train could keep moving.
"Here's How We're Gonna Cure All [Diseases]... The Whole World Votes On The Worst Diseases From 1 To 100, And You Can't Get [Yours] Cured [Until]... The One Ahead Of It Gets Cured First"
This quote comes from a bit in which he explains why he believes it is selfish for celebrities to raise funds to benefit a disease that they have over something potentially worse. That is what gives him the idea for a democratic ranking system of illnesses.
"My Advice: Run, Get Home, Feel Guilty, But Be Alive"
One bit sees Patrice O'Neal describing how a white man, in order to avoid seeming racist, would have to wait for a Black man to attack him instead of running away from what he may assume is danger. The comic believes that a white man should go with his gut and be safe, even if he turns out to be wrong and regrets it later. He then uses himself as an example, claiming that if a group of bald white men approached him, he might jump to an unfavorable conclusion.
"I Believe In God When I'm On Planes"
In his stand-up, O'Neal claimed to have an unenthusiastic approach to religion. However, he did have faith in God, especially when he was about to travel 30,000-40,000 feet in the air.
"The Doctor Didn't Go, 'Mr. O'Neal, If You Ever Eat Brussel Sprouts And Spinach Again, You Could Die"
When talking about his diabetes, the comedian reveals that he finds it hilariously ironic that he was diagnosed with a disease that prevents him from eating the food he wants to eat.
"I'm Watching A Talk Show. They Had The 1,000-lb Man On... I'm 300 Pounds. That Means This Dude Was Three Of Me And Another Dude With Pneumonia"
Patrice O'Neal had a such a clever way of inserting himself into his material. For that, I miss him.
