When I was in fifth grade, I placed as a finalist in a D.A.R.E. (Drug Abuse Resistance Education) essay contest. The essay I wrote explained my hopes to be a mom when I was older. It was the only thing I could think of that I was looking forward to in adulthood.
Having kids, and two girls under the age of 2 to boot is hard. I don’t feel society adequately prepares us to know just how difficult having children can be. From the day I had our first daughter, I loved and adored her, but it was as if she came with a monstrous checklist that I had to fulfill every day. Somewhere in my mind, I had misconstrued the responsibility of having a child as one giant to-do list. When our second daughter was born, this feeling wasn’t quite as extreme, thankfully.
I was a stay-at-home mom when our girls were younger, and while I know I enjoyed them as babies and toddlers, part of me (the more emotional part) sometimes wonders, “Was even there?” I was, my husband and I actually didn’t leave our girls for an overnight vacation until they were 7 and 9. It’s said, “Time is a thief,” but I believe my inability to be in the moment when they were little, instead of being so concerned about what was next, robbed me of thoroughly enjoying their younger years.
As a teacher at Cañon City High School, I was asked if I would like to earn my master’s degree to be able to teach dual credit college courses to our students. This opportunity was paid for through a grant. If I said yes, I would be able to get my entire master’s degree paid for, I knew I couldn’t pass this up. However, with the decision, I spent the last two years doing homework in any and all of my free time.
In addition, in my first year as a teacher, I completed an alternative licensure program. Therefore, three of the last four years have had me doing homework. This took away more time from my girls, but it was a choice I made. I recently saw pictures of our girls from four years ago, they were so very tiny. When I showed the picture to my husband he said, “You know you will say the same thing in another four years.” I know he’s right, he’s a pretty wise fella. I can’t dwell on those pictures from four years ago, instead, I have to focus on the maturing young ladies in front of me.
Through my graduate school thesis project, I created my own media management small business. As a professional Social Media Consultant and Media Manager, I believe in creating meaningful partnerships with local small business owners to expand their client base. I have a few clients and enjoy what I do as a side hustle.
However, I recently realized having something hanging over my head on my “to-do” list for my business makes me unable to be in the moment with my girls. I have had to devote a day to “work” to allow myself to not feel too overwhelmed. I know I am very fortunate to only have to work one day a week in the summer.
When I started my business my goal was grand, I wanted to work hard enough to match my teaching salary in my side business. I wanted to double my income. What I didn’t take into account was that I wouldn’t get myself to push hard enough to do this. I thought I was being lazy in my lackluster attempt to grow my business. However, I realized there is something — rather a few someones — more important to me than a financial goal. I know once the school year starts back up and my business has a student intern eager to learn that the growth I had envisioned will happen organically.
Fifth grade me was wise and knew the true meaning of what my version of happiness would look like. I’m not sure how I allowed myself to lose sight of what I wanted most in the world. When I look at my oldest daughter, who just turned 10, I realize time is ticking.
More than half of the summers we will share with her living at home are now memories. These first few weeks of summer I’ve been more acutely aware of this fact, and I’m focusing on enjoying the little things, the moments that aren’t stacked full of running from one place to another. I know these are the times and memories I will miss when my little girls become teenagers and are off and learning how to make their own way in the world.
Parents, “they” all told us it would go fast, but I don’t know that I took them seriously as I was changing diaper after diaper, and hoping synchronous naps would occur so I could enjoy an iced coffee in silence. I didn’t realize the best days of our lives would happen so fast. I didn’t know my greatest fear wouldn’t be of spiders but rather missing out on time with my children.
To the best of my knowledge, it is not possible to make time slow down.
Instead, I’ll take the time to look up at the tiny little girl in front of me, I will wonder at her tiny little strong shoulders, and her adorable little nose. I will put down what’s in front of me and ask her to tell me all about her time playing outside. I will smile when I hear laughter and arguing coming from the other room because it is a true blessing to get to hear both of these sounds. I will marvel at how small her back is as I put my arms around her and rest my hand on her back when we say prayers at night. I will say I love you one more time and give one more kiss upon request because one day, all too soon these stay-at-home mom summer days will change.
Jamie Reed is a teacher with the Cañon City School District and a contributor to the Daily Record.
