A heavily intoxicated man stole a front-end loader in Lincoln, Neb., put his injured friend into the front bucket and drove him to the hospital, where he pulled in and blocked the ambulance bay. His blood-alcohol content was more than double the legal limit, and he was charged with felony theft, DUI (fourth offense) and driving during a 15-year license revocation.
NO, I WAS LYING, THAT’S NOT REALLY MY NAME, OFFICER: A man caught with methamphetamine in his possession in Clam Lake Township, Mich., gave state troopers a fake name, but there were felony warrants out for the man whose name he used, so they arrested him anyway.
HI, HONEY, DID YOU HAVE FUN TONIGHT? … WHAT TH- …! A woman had her boyfriend babysit their children while she went out to party at a nightclub in Wichita. After she got very drunk and was thrown out of there, she came home in a rage, climbed on him and demanded that he have sex with her. He refused so she bludgeoned him with a hair dryer resulting in police involvement.
YOU’RE REALLY BURNING OFF THE CALORIES, SIR: As a driver was being ticketed for speeding on the A2 highway near Gravesend, England, a notification from his fitness app — designed to measure the user’s speed while walking — popped up on his phone congratulating him on his highest speed yet: 120 mph.
I’M WITH THE SUPER-SECRET POLICE: A woman pretending to be a police officer burst into a home in Altoona, Pa., and ordered everyone to get out. When one of the residents asked her to produce some ID, she held up her bare hand as if she was flashing a badge. Witnesses said it appeared that she was under the influence of something.
LOOK, I NEEDED TRANSPORTATION: A man whose driver’s license has been suspended until November 2024 used a riding mower as a getaway vehicle after he stole a $43 bottle of Absolut Vodka from a convenience store in Waterloo, Iowa, and then burglarized a garage at 4 o’clock in the morning.
NO, YOU CAN’T CALL ME! A woman was strolling along the River Mole in Walton-on-Thames, England, with her Tinder date and his dog when the animal suddenly leapt into the water. But it was her — not the man — who jumped in to rescue the animal as the guy “just stood there” and “made useless suggestions.” She later called it the “worst date ever.”
HEY, I THINK THAT’S LUIGI: A member of the mafia, who has been wanted by Italian authorities for the past seven years as he hid out in the Dominican Republic, showed off his cooking skills on YouTube videos in which he wisely hid his face. But he forgot to cover up his distinctive tattoos. He is now in custody.
HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO ME? A man was in a dumpster in Santa Maria, Calif., for some reason, when a garbage truck came, hooked it up, and poured the contents — including him — into the truck’s back receptacle. The driver heard the guy yelling for help, so he called firefighters who came to the rescue.
